LinkedIn Lookup; The Creepy Crawly App

LinkedIn has managed to creep me out with their new Lookup app. They did a good job of ticking me off previously as I noted in a previous post.

My original thought was to spin this a little different. When I got the email and read through the announcing of LinkedIn Lookup my first response was a creepy kind of disbelieving laughter followed by the; “are you kidding me” kind of laughter.

This is how LinkedIn introduced Sarah and LinkedIn Lookup with pictures.

• Meet Sarah. When she has a big project with a tight deadline, she starts with LinkedIn Lookup.
• Using LinkedIn Lookup, she searches for coworkers with the skills she needs to get the job done.
• Sarah checks their profiles to confirm they’re the right fit, and then contacts them right from the app.
• LinkedIn Lookup saves Sarah time by connecting her with coworkers who might otherwise be hard to find.

LinkedIn invited me to meet Sarah and I thought it be a good idea if I introduced Sarah to a good friend of mine. I had no idea they’d already met and neither knew that I knew them both, separately. Perfect recipe for disaster huh guys? You can be certain my ears will be burning because you know how women gossip when they get together.

When I introduced Sarah to my friend I said a few other things as well. I can even repeat some of them.

• You can’t find them in their cubicle and can’t get them with office communications.
• You’ve tried them at home and even seeing it was work calling didn’t get someone.
• Do you really think you’ll get a response with LinkedIn’s creep you out app?

This is what my friend had to say about Sarah and I’m hoping with all my heart Sarah doesn’t find out because I wouldn’t want that dear, dear, misguided soul to think I was an unfeeling cad*.

Oh please: ”Meet Sarah…”  Was this written for a 5 year-old?
As Linkedin is utilized by adults, let us use adult-speak:

Sarah has a project.
Sarah doesn’t feel like doing said project.
Sarah realizes that said project has a deadline.
Sarah hears the ticking of the clock wasting away the hours.
Sarah feels the cold hands of Death clawing at her soul (although this has nothing to do with said project; Sarah is neurotic)
Sarah calculates that said project will cause her to miss cocktail hour later that evening.
Sarah does not want to miss cocktail hour later that evening.
Sarah throws a fit over the idea of missing cocktail hour later that evening.
{Interlude- Sarah chips her nail, and goes to manicurist to have it fixed}
Sarah makes a list of lesser co-workers onto whom she can dump said project.
Sarah uses Linkedin Spy App to seek out lesser co-workers.
Sarah does this because she’s a professional.
Linkedin is for professionals.
I am not a professional.
I am not on Linkedin.
But I do like cocktails.
Now Sarah will be able to meet me for cocktails.

The End.

There was one other thing my friend said, “Don’t keep Sarah late; it’s her turn to pay!”

I’m thinking Sarah will be paying large for this projects failure.
I’m thinking my friend is going to be hearing a lot of whining when they meet for cocktails.
I’m thinking there was more whining about the chipped nail than the missing minions.
I’m thinking my friend wasn’t really surprised when Sarah didn’t see the underlings as co-workers
I’m thinking the last pour will be on my friend and it’ll be Sarah in to a cab.
I’m proud of my friend for not leaving Sarah passed out in the lounge’s bathroom.
I hope the cocktail lounge had Sarah’s corporate credit card and my friend didn’t get stuck with the tab.
I’m especially happy my ears weren’t burning so thank you Sarah.

I am not a conspiracy theorist or a paranoid. Let me tell you though, something like another app such as LinkedIn’s Lookup that is designed to track you could get me going to that side of the conspiracy and paranoia fence right quick.

And wouldn’t you know it, as I’m working on this; another request has come in asking me to “participate” in access. This access request, it comes from … Microsoft.

G.R. Hambley – all rights reserved
October 16, 2015

*Cad is not gender specific.

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